THE DEATH

 THE DEATH

I’m here going home feeling so crazy that I’m holding a conversation with myself. “How is this happening?” “Why is this happening” “When is this gonna stop?” My only sensible answers to my own questions were “make it end! What do you have to lose?” As I walk to the bus stop I dodge 3 cars that I didn’t see in my state of insanity and incoherence.

 I didn’t think that dying would welcome me as it did! Death gave me an instruction manual.

Step 1. Get your ingredients. Bleach and ammonia.

Step 2. Mix them together

Step 3. Think of the saddest things you possibly can.

Step 4. When you start to cry drink the mixture

I dodged a few more cars as I walked home like a zombie not realizing what my mind was telling me to do. I get home, sat down to my computer and typed an email to everyone of my email contacts which said “By the time you read this… I will be dead.” My one request was that everyone would take care of my son. I waited to press “send” until I began to cry so I put my Steve Wonder c.d. on and played the song “Ordinary Pain.” As the song played, I thought of everything that made me upset and the tears rolled down my face and the room seemed so dark and cloudy all I could her was the rapid pace of my petrified heart reminding me that my life was soon to end.

 My hands shook in fear as I lifted the cup to my mouth while the smell of the chemicals burned my nostrils as my heart raced faster and faster.

 I finally got the cup to my twitching mouth and suddenly “RIIIIING!!!!!” The phone loudly goes off!!! I dropped the cup in fear and shock and staggered to the telephone. By the second ring I answered and no one was there. I had just gotten the courage to get that death formula up to my mouth. Now I have to go through it again!!!! But I realized something. I realized that God had called for me so that I wouldn’t take my life! I stood there in relief of insanity, erased the email I was going to send and cleaned the tears that drenched my face while I wept even more thinking of what I was about to do. I cleaned my clothes and prayed to God for help until I fell asleep because I was so weak, miserable and hurt.

The next morning is here and I opened my eyes gagging and choking from the smell of the toxics that were embedded in my nose hairs. I felt that God was making me remember what I was about to do to myself and my son.

I felt dead and had to touch everything to see had I really escaped the close thought of ending my life. “I made it!!!” “I made it!!!” “I’M ALIVE!!!” I called a friend and explained what had happened to me. I was told to think about what would have happened to my son had I died, what would he think, and how could he make it realizing that there was no chance of having me anymore in life. This could have made my Jr want to kill his self as well!  He could have been thinking this was his fault or even thinking that death was the only way to survive storms. This could have been the time he needed me as his dad in these days and I punked out!   As big as my dreams were for His life…He may have never made it had He known I’d killed myself. I need help God. You’ve guided me this far…and I need help NOW!!!

What do I do now? How soon will He answer? Will he answer?

I’m CRAZY!!!! I AM!!! I drop and Pass out.